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Alright, so after my Facebook post this week about why people who make these black and white statements about nutrition are wrong, many of you wrote to me saying that I was the one who was wrong.

And, because I am mature and can concede when I need to do further research, I am retracting my previous statement that there are no foods that we can say should never be eaten, always eaten, are the best or the worst.

There are, in fact, 6 things you should never eat.

And here are those foods:

 

1. Cat poop

 

Yes, I know. You’ve probably already eaten cat poop because your cat’s butt has touched everything you own. But, in case you were thinking it was a good replacement for an expensive but medically questionable fecal transplant, don’t eat your cat’s poop.

Instead, I would recommend wolf poop. Wolves eat a diet high in wild game, which is pretty badass. Lots of blood and raw muscle and stuff. And that’s about as Paleo as you can get. Plus it’s probably pretty low carb.

 

2. Dumpster Juice

 

You know that dumpster behind work? The one that people from up to 5 miles away use to illegally dump their trash and broken toasters in? Yeah, don’t drink that stuff that’s pooled up in the bottom of it.

Upon analysis, dumpster juice appears to be around 74% hobo piss. The other 26%? Mostly small amounts of Natural Light that your boss pours out before heading back in to work from his lunch break.

angry-hobo

Even though studies show that consuming modest servings of alcohol can impart some small heart health benefit, consuming this leftover dank beer will probably also give you hepatitis.

3. Doramad Radioactive Toothpaste

 

People used to legitimately use radioactive toothpaste from the 1920s up until around WWII. Not kidding. It was supposed to result in whiter and brighter teeth because it contained the radioactive element thorium.

Like glow-in-the-dark bright teeth, I guess.

Anywho, it apparently took a couple of decades for someone to say ‘Hmmm, consuming radioactive elements might cause serious health problems.’ And Doramad was pulled from the market.

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But not before Charles Xavier, a smart, unassuming lad in a wheelchair had stashed hundreds of tubes of it away in his parents’ estate for personal use.

 

4. Tacos from Street Vendors in Tijuana

 

I realize that sometimes having diarrhea for days can actually beneficially cancel out all those terrible decisions you made prior to eating those tacos, but c’mon. Is having a week’s worth of E. coli worth it?

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If you need to lose weight rapidly and don’t really care where it comes from, then I guess that’s a solution. But otherwise, don’t let your sloppy drunkenness be an excuse to eat bad tacos.

 

5. Fire Ants

 

I’m sure I’m going to hear a ton of arguments about this one from all the insect-eating proponents, but let’s put a stop to that right now.

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Studies have shown that not only do fire ants have miniature armor that resists the damage you think you’re doing by chewing them up, but they will then crawl down your throat and burrow into your insides to make a new fire ant colony in your body.

Do you really want to walk around with a fire any colony in you?

 

6. Antifreeze

 

I had a cat growing up that got into the antifreeze in our garage and ate some of it. Luckily, she didn’t die, but after that, she never did have quite the same depth perception and would always try to jump onto counters, but always missed.

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It was actually pretty funny to watch.

 

Okay. So there you go. There are some things you should never eat. I’m sure I’ve left off one or two other items, so feel free to comment below if you can think of anything else I’ve missed.

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  1. Don’t eat carbz ull die lullll

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